I Am Vanilla

July 11, 2008

A few months ago I met a friend who, when seeing me for the first time after a period of absence, said “I saw something at Starbucks that reminded me of you.”

What? How Sweet!

Needless to say I was very curious. I knew Starbucks had all sorts of coffee mugs, gift merchandise, and neat things so I really wondered what on earth it could be. Couldn’t be anything but wonderful, I supposed. After all…I LOVE coffee.

So imagine my anticipation when he pulled out a brown paper bag, leaned over carefully and opened it to show me what he thought of me. I peered in and saw one single triangular shaped pastry. He said, “It’s a vanilla scone!” Like I’m supposed to get it and not be offended that he not only referred to me as some dry, dense pastry but also vanilla…..plain ol’ vanilla.

I couldn’t contain my shock. What? THIS is what reminds you of ME? I was more than a little taken aback because of course my ego was screaming in my head “He thinks I’m plain, dumpy, thick, dry and common with a sugary coating. Vanilla. Plain vanilla.” I guess I’d like to think I’m at least a little different. Ah, but no. The ego was completely bruised and I really didn’t know what to say but, “Vanilla? Really? Vanilla Scone?” He looked hurt and a little rejected by my reaction and I’d realized, in my arrogance, I had not accepted a gift graciously. I said, “Thanks.” but in my heart I was a little crushed myself.

Fifteen minutes or so later, I stepped into his home and was astonished. Ouch. I got it.

This man, this amazing man, filled his home with the scent of vanilla. Candles, lotions, shampoo…everything…you name it…VANILLA. His life was filled with it, his love for the scent was something very personal and very near and dear to his heart. In a word, he revered “vanilla”.

I was so ashamed. He had paid me one of the highest compliments he could give me. And what had I done? I had scoffed at the idea that I was plain vanilla! I had not hidden my shock and dismay that he would put me in the “vanilla” category. I hurt him terribly and didn’t even mean to. I misread everything.

Ouch, right?

While I could’ve never known, I learned quickly what Anais Nin meant by “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

So I am learning. I am learning to face the world knowing that nine times out of ten I will probably misread gestures given to me because there is no way I can mind read or know for sure his/her point of view. It’s practically impossible to put everything into context at first glance. We all have our own frame of reference, our own set of principles, experiences, feelings, thoughts, and hearts that have lived through things others will never know.

Still, I believe we unintentionally see through our own lenses. He knew exactly what he meant when he chose a vanilla scone, but he hadn’t quite considered that because I didn’t know the context why I would react in such a bitchy way. Yes. I admit it. I was a bitch.

“Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.”
- Shopenhauer

There will be times when someone offends you, hurts you, or heaven forbid gives you a gift that you just can’t believe. How could they do that to you!

Stop.

Learn from my mistake.

Own your own feelings and ideas, but remain open to the possibility you may have it all wrong. Be patient. Let things settle till you can get more context on the situation. Ask questions. Don’t assume. And by doing these things, hold it near and dear to your heart – whisper in your head - hope never to hurt those you love.

It’s easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood.

Perhaps I’m not so different than plain vanilla after all. I’m finding that sometimes, that’s really good.