When you add the fear or anxiety factor of handling uncertainty, it makes the whole idea of “tolerating uncertainty” almost too much to comprehend.

Here is a step-by-step on how you can handle a certain amount of uncertainty.

1. Breathe.
Get to a private place. Go to the bathroom. Close the door. Sit at your desk where no one can see you. Close your eyes and inhale deeply for five seconds. FIVE SECONDS. That’s not hard. Let it out with a push. If tears come; let them. Then get to step two.

2. Identify what’s really bothering you.
So, you’re questioning your relationship. Or, you found a lump. Perhaps, you’ve learned your job may not be safe. Whatever is causing your uneasiness write it down. It won’t bite you harder than it already is internally. When you write down what is bothering you in one sentence or less, you give voice to the thing you feel you must solve or get clear on. And you will. Tuck it away if you have to for the moment or address it right now with step number 3.

3. List possible next steps.
If it’s a lump, the next step would be to call the doctor. If it’s job security, the next step might be to polish up your resume and get back in touch with old contacts. If it’s about your relationship a possible next step might be just having a conversation. Whatever is right for you to find a little more peace in the situation right now is what you should begin listing. The right answer will come. You just need to write down all possibilities. Then sort them.

4. Find someone to bounce it off of.
Often, our own tunnel vision can cloud or cause our own anxieties about any situation to spiral out of control. Finding a trusted friend, family member, or counselor to talk to about your uncertainties may help you put perspective on a situation before your fear warps out of control. You don’t have to go into a lot of detail, just say something like, “I was wondering, I feel a little uncertain about (whatever it is you’re uncertainty is) because (fill in the blank here with why you’re worried). Do you think I’m over-reacting?”

5. Accept anxiety as a way of life.
Yes, it’s true. Anxiety and uncertainty are those blessed little things in life that make us think. In Just Enough Anxiety, author Robert Rosen says, “We’re told that anxiety is bad. We work hard to ‘de-stress,’ ‘stay sane,’ and ideally eliminate anxiety from our lives altogether. But how many of us have ever achieved this? Trying – in vain – to rid ourselves of anxiety actually causes more anxiety!”
Be OK with things not being OK. It’s hard. It’s tough. But it’s possible! Once you start accepting that there’s a valid reason for you to be completely uncomfortable, answers will arise! Then…

6. Act.
Do one thing from your list you made in step 3. Take one step in the right direction to help overcome a feeling of powerlessness. Ask the questions. Do some research. Gather some answers. Knowledge casts out fear. When you act upon solving something, your tolerance level increases for handling the difficulty of the situation. Before long, you will begin the process of not quelling the anguish, or even tolerating it, but freeing yourself from it…step by step.

Going through this process when situations arise will help you cope with uncertainties better along the way as they come. Well, sort of.

Also See:

Live: Tolerating Uncertainty
To Be: Resilient
To Hear: Keep Faith

More on Learn…

I also highly recommend going through The Work by Byron Katie from her book Loving What Is. In this process she wants you to go through and ask yourself four simple questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Of course there’s more to it than that, but that should get you started. You can find her tools and information here.

Constructive criticism feels like help, sounds like help, and is kind and gentle. It usually comes from a place of great care and concern in either wanting to help you improve or save you from possible embarrassment, hurt, or pain.

Then, there’s that stupid kind. The kind that’s thrown around like kicking an empty can down the street. The kind that’s sometimes intended; sometimes unintended. It comes in forms like when your mom tells you how you should be wearing your hair, or in a comment your husband makes on how overdone the baked potato is.

Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Truth is, even though criticisms can be slight, they add up and can hurt us overall if we don’t learn how to deal with them and those who dish it out.

So how do we handle the person in our life that just can’t help herself but comment on how much better the lawn looked last year?

Dr. David J. Lieberman, author of Make Peace With Anyone, suggests this (everything in parentheses – my comments, not his):

1. Don’t argue with them. (Their idiots. Momentarily at least. And why fight with an idiot? You’re better than that.)
2. Thank the person regardless of how insane or self-serving the remark is. (Try doing this without the fake smile and clenched teeth.)
3. Ask a question regarding how or why she herself is so capable, without being sarcastic! (Riiiiiight, Dr. Lieberman. No way.)

Honestly, I’d probably leave off number three because after thanking them as if I’m grateful for being whipped forty lashes with a wet noodle (“Thank you sir, may I have another!”) I don’t think I’d be able to muster anything after that without sarcasm oozing from my pores. But if you can, go for it!

Still, Dr. Lieberman gives great advice…

Don’t argue.
Thank them.
(I say move on and remind yourself of three other things you did RIGHT that day.)

That’s enough to throw them off track. After all, stupid criticism is intended to hurt you, jab at you, take a stab at you. It’s always given about something for which you can do nothing about. The hair is already cut, you’re already in the shirt, the weight has already been gained, the food’s already been cooked. There’s no constructive anything in that anywhere!

Recognize it for what it is. Rise above. Be gracious. Roll your eyes in private. Be compassionate towards those who have to hurt others just to make themselves feel better about who they are and what they’re not. Then look at you! Before you know it, you’ll be able to withstand anything a mother-in-law or overbearing parent can throw at you.

We can hope, right? Or are we doing that wrong, too?

feeling or showing appreciation

May I live every day appreciating the little things as well as the big things in life.  And may I hope to show others how much I appreciate them.