Learn: How To Tolerate Uncertainty - Sort Of

Being able to tolerate anything is difficult because it requires us to go outside of our comfort zones and show patience and kindness to whatever it is that really irritates us.

When you add the fear or anxiety factor of handling uncertainty, it makes the whole idea of “tolerating uncertainty” almost too much to comprehend.

Here is a step-by-step on how you can handle a certain amount of uncertainty.

1. Breathe.
Get to a private place. Go to the bathroom. Close the door. Sit at your desk where no one can see you. Close your eyes and inhale deeply for five seconds. FIVE SECONDS. That’s not hard. Let it out with a push. If tears come; let them. Then get to step two.

2. Identify what’s really bothering you.
So, you’re questioning your relationship. Or, you found a lump. Perhaps, you’ve learned your job may not be safe. Whatever is causing your uneasiness write it down. It won’t bite you harder than it already is internally. When you write down what is bothering you in one sentence or less, you give voice to the thing you feel you must solve or get clear on. And you will. Tuck it away if you have to for the moment or address it right now with step number 3.

3. List possible next steps.
If it’s a lump, the next step would be to call the doctor. If it’s job security, the next step might be to polish up your resume and get back in touch with old contacts. If it’s about your relationship a possible next step might be just having a conversation. Whatever is right for you to find a little more peace in the situation right now is what you should begin listing. The right answer will come. You just need to write down all possibilities. Then sort them.

4. Find someone to bounce it off of.
Often, our own tunnel vision can cloud or cause our own anxieties about any situation to spiral out of control. Finding a trusted friend, family member, or counselor to talk to about your uncertainties may help you put perspective on a situation before your fear warps out of control. You don’t have to go into a lot of detail, just say something like, “I was wondering, I feel a little uncertain about (whatever it is you’re uncertainty is) because (fill in the blank here with why you’re worried). Do you think I’m over-reacting?”

5. Accept anxiety as a way of life.
Yes, it’s true. Anxiety and uncertainty are those blessed little things in life that make us think. In Just Enough Anxiety, author Robert Rosen says, “We’re told that anxiety is bad. We work hard to ‘de-stress,’ ‘stay sane,’ and ideally eliminate anxiety from our lives altogether. But how many of us have ever achieved this? Trying – in vain – to rid ourselves of anxiety actually causes more anxiety!”
Be OK with things not being OK. It’s hard. It’s tough. But it’s possible! Once you start accepting that there’s a valid reason for you to be completely uncomfortable, answers will arise! Then…

6. Act.
Do one thing from your list you made in step 3. Take one step in the right direction to help overcome a feeling of powerlessness. Ask the questions. Do some research. Gather some answers. Knowledge casts out fear. When you act upon solving something, your tolerance level increases for handling the difficulty of the situation. Before long, you will begin the process of not quelling the anguish, or even tolerating it, but freeing yourself from it…step by step.

Going through this process when situations arise will help you cope with uncertainties better along the way as they come. Well, sort of.

Also See:

Live: Tolerating Uncertainty
To Be: Resilient
To Hear: Keep Faith

More on Learn…

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Learn: How To Handle Stupid Criticism

There’s good criticism, and then there’s the bad.

Constructive criticism feels like help, sounds like help, and is kind and gentle. It usually comes from a place of great care and concern in either wanting to help you improve or save you from possible embarrassment, hurt, or pain.

Then, there’s that stupid kind. The kind that’s thrown around like kicking an empty can down the street. The kind that’s sometimes intended; sometimes unintended. It comes in forms like when your mom tells you how you should be wearing your hair, or in a comment your husband makes on how overdone the baked potato is.

Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Truth is, even though criticisms can be slight, they add up and can hurt us overall if we don’t learn how to deal with them and those who dish it out.

So how do we handle the person in our life that just can’t help herself but comment on how much better the lawn looked last year?

Dr. David J. Lieberman, author of Make Peace With Anyone, suggests this (everything in parentheses – my comments, not his):

1. Don’t argue with them. (Their idiots. Momentarily at least. And why fight with an idiot? You’re better than that.)
2. Thank the person regardless of how insane or self-serving the remark is. (Try doing this without the fake smile and clenched teeth.)
3. Ask a question regarding how or why she herself is so capable, without being sarcastic! (Riiiiiight, Dr. Lieberman. No way.)

Honestly, I’d probably leave off number three because after thanking them as if I’m grateful for being whipped forty lashes with a wet noodle (“Thank you sir, may I have another!”) I don’t think I’d be able to muster anything after that without sarcasm oozing from my pores. But if you can, go for it!

Still, Dr. Lieberman gives great advice…

Don’t argue.
Thank them.
(I say move on and remind yourself of three other things you did RIGHT that day.)

That’s enough to throw them off track. After all, stupid criticism is intended to hurt you, jab at you, take a stab at you. It’s always given about something for which you can do nothing about. The hair is already cut, you’re already in the shirt, the weight has already been gained, the food’s already been cooked. There’s no constructive anything in that anywhere!

Recognize it for what it is. Rise above. Be gracious. Roll your eyes in private. Be compassionate towards those who have to hurt others just to make themselves feel better about who they are and what they’re not. Then look at you! Before you know it, you’ll be able to withstand anything a mother-in-law or overbearing parent can throw at you.

We can hope, right? Or are we doing that wrong, too?

Live: Beginning Today

Beginning Today

I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change.
Only I can change by choosing to do so.

Beginning Today

I will no longer worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow will always be there,
waiting for me to make the most of it.
But I cannot make the most of tomorrow
without first making the most of today.

Beginning Today

I will look in the mirror and I will see a person
worthy of my respect and admiration.
This capable person looking back at me is someone
I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like
to get to know better.

Beginning Today

I will cherish each moment of my life.
I value the gift bestowed upon me in this world
and I will unselfishly share this gift with others.

Beginning Today

I will take a moment to step off the beaten path
and to revel in the mysteries I encounter.
I will face challenges with courage and determination.
I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder
my quest for growth and self-improvement.
Beginning Today

I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time.
Discouragement will not be allowed to taint
my positive self-image, my desire to succeed
or my capacity to love.

Beginning Today

I walk with renewed faith in human kindness.
Regardless of what has gone before.
I believe there is hope for a brighter
and better future.

Beginning Today

I will open my mind and my heart.
I will welcome new experiences.
I will meet new people.
I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else:
perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.
But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.

Beginning Today

I am responsible for my own happiness
and I will do things that make me happy…
admire the beautiful wonders of nature,
listen to my favorite music, pet a kitten or a puppy,
soak in a bubble bath…
Pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.

Beginning Today

I will learn something new;
I will try something different;
I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer.
I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.
I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.

Beginning Today

And Every Day

Yes! Today and Every Day.

— Author Unknown

Love: Surrender

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.   It will not lead you astray.” ~ Rumi

Surrender is really hard for me. To me, it conjures up images of the loser in a battle. And I don’t like to lose.

Why then do I get all breathy when I think of surrendering to love? Have I watched too much Gone With The Wind?

I believe we battle this paradox in ourselves constantly. We want to give in to the wondrous pleasures of life – be it a lover, a delicious piece of chocolate, a moment to ourselves – but we fight it. We have in our heads sometimes that to surrender to a situation, person or thing we are drawn to that it signifies we are weak in some way…that we lose.

Why?

Oh, there are probably a million reasons why. I think if you think hard enough you find why the beliefs you hold are what they are. But try to welcome a new way of thinking, a new way of looking at surrender…in a good way!

The poet Mary Oliver completely reframed surrender for me in “Wild Geese”. She writes:

“You do not have to be good.You do not have to walk on your kneesfor a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.You only have to let the soft animal of your body            love what it loves….” 

Surrendering is not suffering. Surrendering does not mean you’ve lost your will. Surrendering is all about loving with complete abandon. And we’re not used to that. It exposes us too much.

Yes, surrendering is hard. Very hard. But you can learn how to surrender if you understand how it works. Author Bill Plotkin, in Nature and the Human Soul, said it best. “What’s involved is actually both a surrender of and a surrender to: first a surrender of your beliefs about how you were supposed to be and how the world was supposed to work, and then a surrender to your deepest and wildest passions.”

Did you get that?

You can’t truly feel the depths of passion until you’ve let go of everything you thought it would be. Then, what comes next is the best part: when you let go of all of yourself, you realize that the real stuff was better than you ever dreamed it could be all along. When you learn to love with quiet surrendering fire in your soul there can be no losing in that. It’s powerful.

If I could whisper in your ear right now, I would say to you something I hope you will learn to do, something worth devoting time and effort in mastering: I’d simply whisper, “Surrender.”

Copyright © by Kelley Taylor

To See: Jackson Pollock

Many will argue that their child, or an elephant, could do what Jackson Pollock did to canvas. Maybe so, but I say there was probably no one better at surrendering to an organic creative process.

He let the paint be what it is and do what it does. He not only accepted how paint splatters and globs, runs and pours, he adored the way it moved and danced across the canvas. He played with it. He called it “action painting” and dribbled and drizzled it saying, “The painting has a life of its own. I try to let it come through.”

Usually artists, like some of us in our everyday lives, try to control the outcome. We pause, we plan, we are careful, we are cautious – making sure that we get things juuuuust right. The end result of being so careful causes worry, dread, self-doubt, fear, loathing, procrastination, and stress.

It really seems so counter-intuitive. I mean, can we really control what people are? We can definitely have an effect, but in the end sometimes accepting what situations, circumstances, people, things are is really the beauty of all of it.

I love how Pollock really worked with what he had in a natural way. I learn from him. I admire him. I’m too much of a perfectionist. I need things to be just so. I am learning to breathe and let go: let things do what they need to do, let them dance, evolve naturally, and love them dearly for it. In the end, I will have my own masterpiece called life.

Copyright © 2008 by Kelley Taylor

Have fun! See: http://makeeverydayaholiday.com/to-do/to-do-make-your-own-jackson-pollock-art/

Live: With Intention

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

—Mary Anne Radmacher, author

Don’t Have Time To Blog? Love to text? Twitter.

Micro-blog with Twitter from your cell phone.

Yes, if you can text from your mobile phone, you can blog and let everyone know what’s going on with you or fill your peeps in on funny things you overhear or see as you move about your day.

Twitter is a free widget you can place on your social networking site (like MySpace, Facebook, etc.) or your blog.  It’s sort of I guess, mobile blogging.  Like, when my nephew saw a man walking in Times Square with a cat on his head, he could’ve texted ”just passed a man with a cat on his head that cursed us.”

I would have LOVED it!

You sign up at the Twitter site and you can immediately type in your updates from your home page, or activate your cell phone number and Twitter from it.  There is even a third option of sending your updates via your instant messenger through LiveJournal, GTalk, and Jabber. 

(I’m thinking this would be a great thing for pregnant or women expecting. That way, the hubby could text in the updates and everyone that subscribes can get their updates on the go on their cell phones.)

I’m adding my twitter widget to this site (as well as my MySpace page) by simply cutting and pasting the code they provide.  Easy peasy. 

Now, I have to warn you. I don’t text a lot, so the updates will be random. But sometimes, I see things I just have to share.

And some things, I’m sure you might wish I didn’t-

…like when I discovered I went to a school Christmas party, talked to all the parents in the room, and the teacher, and discovered (only after getting into the car and checking my makeup) that I had a stray blush brush hair that had stuck to my chin thus making me looking like I had a big black wirey chin hair.

Niiiiiiice.

So have fun with it. You can sign up here.

And if you want to follow my text messages through Twitter, click here.

Learn Every Day

One of the greatest things in life is that with every step, you learn. OK. God-willing, you learn.

I can’t imagine a day going by where I didn’t learn something. Whether that was the fact I didn’t like brussel sprouts, or that books are cheaper on-line, or that I love the way sunlight streams into my office around 10:00 AM, every day, I’ve learned something new.

Learning isn’t always about reading, or listening to professors or gurus. Often I’ve found that learning is about studying things. Observing. Watching and taking in life. Listening to yourself mostly among others.

Learning comes in all sorts of packages - from the policeman that gives you a parking ticket (oh! I didn’t know I couldn’t park here!), to the child that tells you pink is her favorite color because it’s the color of the inside of her puppy’s ear. Learning is delightful when you approach it in a simple way. And if you make it a part of every day, you feel good that you took in just one more piece of life and swallowed it whole.

Ilana M. Blumberg, author of Houses of Study, wrote in the preface of her book, “I believed that to learn was to live. To study and study and study was to become good, and possibly great, and, in any event, to do what one (what I) was born to do. Today I can see that this deeply held faith made me what I now am…”

I guess I feel the same way.

So today, you know that I think you can make every day a holiday by learning something new.

In this section, I’ll cover how-to’s, tips, and things that can help you in your everyday life. They are random, but hopefully, you’ll be able to rely on a place you can come if you feel you just haven’t really learned enough today.

And, as always, I’m always open to your suggestions. Leave your comments below, or, you can contact me at iMEDAH(@) gmail.com. (of course you can format that right, right?) I look forward to passing along learning and the love of it, here.

Tell me how you feel about learning?